Who I Am

My dad, though I’m sure he probably didn’t coin the phrase, has always said “You do what you do because you are who you are.” That has meant different things to me throughout the years...

As a teenager, it meant that if I chose to spend my time kissing boys behind the lockers then I was a loosy floosy. On the other hand, if I devoted all my time to my church youth group and consequent efforts (Bible club at school, VBS during the summer), then I was a devout Christian bordering on sainthood. It was very absolute in theory, and very relative in practice.

As a college student, that changed a bit as I began to dig further into the Gospel of Grace. I understood the cause and effect implications of the statement: if I choose not to do my homework, then I’m a poor student. If I excel in both academic and social settings, then I’m a good leader. Nevertheless, I had a difficult time reconciling the Works vs. Faith argument in this context, and during a phase of ‘pushing the envelope’, I didn’t at any point consider abandoning my identity altogether, specifically my identity as a Christian. 

The Scripture in Ephesians 2:8-9 sums it up: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift from God; not as a result of works so that no man can boast.”

In other words, I didn’t do anything to earn my salvation; I am not a Christian because I do Christian things.

Nevertheless, there seems to be an organic connection between faith and works. I can tell you about my faith repeatedly, but if I live in such a way that denies its effectiveness in my life, it’s a lame faith...limp, lifeless, and without power. On the other hand, I can live my life in such a loving, kind, gentle (insert other “fruits” of the Spirit here) way, that I never even have to profess my faith.

As Saint Francis of Assisi says, “Preach the Gospel at all times...if necessary, use words.”

C.S. Lewis, one of my favorite theologians, uses the analogy of a pair of scissors. He says to say that to emphasize faith over works or works over faith, is like saying that one blade on a pair of scissors is more important than the other.

Who I am and what I do...are the two mutually exclusive?

I’m asking this question a lot as I stumble through this new phase of my life. My roles have changed significantly in the last several years, and as the dust settles I find myself surprised at the girl I see in the mirror sometimes.

Marriage has a way of unearthing the ugliest parts of ourselves. I’m having to confront issues that I used to be able to hide from relatively easily. As my friend Betsy told me, “Marriage is allowing someone else to come alongside God to clean up your act.” Not exactly what I had in mind when I said “I do.” June Cleaver, I am not.

Add on top of that change, the addition of my precious little bundle of joy. Jude simultaneously introduced me to pure unconditional love and the inescapable smell of spit-up. I glory in some aspects of motherhood, but others aspects...let’s be honest...are exhausting. And though I’m enjoying the transformation, I’m not entirely sure how it looks on me yet.

The other day, I was driving down the road in my Sequoia (after having had to trade in my little VW bug for a family rig), windows down, music blaring, and then it hit me that I was jamming out to Baby Rock Lullaby Renditions of Bob Marley. Not quite the image I had in my head when I slipped on my sunglasses and turned the ignition for an afternoon away from my boys. 

Am I mom because I do motherly things? Am I a writer because I write? If either of these things are true, then in moments of selfishness or slothfulness I’m neither.

I think its important to recognize that in our humanity, we are nothing if not works in progress. Only when we decide to intentionally stop growing do we settle into a mediocre version of ourselves. I may look like a child playing dress up in dad’s suit and tie, but so long as I’m growing it will fit eventually.

I guess I’d like to think that God’s grace modifies Dad’s principle:

You are who you are, and who you become is a direct result of the lessons learned in the doing.

I like this version of the aforementioned Scripture, from the Message Bible:

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.