"Motherhood is not hard..."

A few months ago in church, a size two mother of four came up and commented on how peaceful my baby always looks.

I smiled broadly and accepted the compliment by saying, “that’s what I’m going for.” ...As if I really have much to do with that at all. I just happen to have a super sweet-natured baby.

She went on to tell me about our responsibility as parents to speak life and peace and joy into our kids, to get them ready “out of the gate”, she said. The whole time she was talking I was thinking about how tiny her ankles were.

She proceeded to say, “It drives me crazy when moms talk about how hard parenting is. Motherhood is not hard. God has given us everything we need, and we just have to receive His grace for the moments that are more challenging...” This after a night where my teething 5 month old had been up every two hours like clockwork. I smiled and nodded...and masked a yawn...and then watched as she and her brood walked off...a beautiful swan and her cygnets (yes, I googled to find out that baby swans are indeed cygnets).

Don’t get me wrong; I get where she was coming from. I, too, get irritated when whining parents don’t recognize the gift of life that has been wrapped in the most precious, softest skin and trusted to their love and affection. I bristle when parents complain that they no longer have lives, or refuse to leave the house because it’s just too tough with a baby. And I also see the value of sowing wholesome, positive, life-giving words into the lives of our kids. 

That said, I admittedly have been at my absolute wit’s end a time or two. There have been nights...particularly teething nights...where I couldn’t fix anything and just had to hold him while he cried, so he knew he wasn’t alone. Other times I’ve sat him down and walked into the other room, tempted to lock myself in and never come out. I’ve even commented to Caleb during the worst of fits that I could see how shaken baby syndrome could quickly become an accidental reality.

The truth is, as Jude begins his eighth month, I’ve only in the last little while felt as if I actually have an idea of what I’m doing. I spent the first several months of our time together searching for some kind of owner’s manual, convinced I must have lost it in the chaos and sleep deprivation of his first few days home. (My skinny Mommy-friend would argue that the Bible is the only owner’s manual I need.) 

Patty, our wonderful extended gammy that stays with him when I work, always tells me how wonderful our son is, and how he never ever cries. And while it makes me a very proud mama, I’m secretly wondering what I’m doing wrong during those few and far between tantrums he throws for me.

I think that’s all part of the process, though. Mama Swan, though perhaps a bit too syrupy for that particular Sunday morning, was right. God does give us the grace we need for the day-in-day-out moments. But just like marriage and big moves and career changes and other transitions, He also uses those moments to show us the cobweb places in the corners of our soul that could use some cleaning out.

For the most part, especially at this phase, parenting is a thankless job. Jude doesn’t look up at me and thank me every time I change his diaper. He certainly doesn’t recognize that even a trip to the store requires much more planning now that he’s in tow. My hips have expanded a full three inches and I constantly smell like spit up. I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and had squash splattered on my face from where he had coughed while I was feeding him...two hours earlier. 

That said, there are moments...shining, brilliant, sparkling moments...when it’s all worth it. When I’m nursing him at night and he reaches up to rub my face with his precious little hand, or when he rolls over to grab a toy and then looks to make sure I saw. When he is so tired that he can hardly keep his eyes open, but he smiles a ridiculous, delirious smile, convinced he’s not going to miss out on anything. 

Those moments far outweigh...or at least outshine...the difficult ones. The effort is, in large part, the reward. As soon as Jude masters crawling, we’ll work on walking. Once he walks, he’ll start to talk. Developmental milestones around every corner. 

Part of my development in this process is to allow myself the clumsy moments. To not get too hung up on growth charts. To not beat myself up because I sliced my son’s thumb when I was trying to cut his nails. To not secretly hope that everyone’s watching me push my son in the stroller thinking, ‘wow, that woman has it all together.‘ To be ok with the fact that sometimes I keep him in his pajamas all day long.

Tonight was one of those evenings where I really allowed myself to revel in the miniature person of Jude. We rolled around on the floor and laughed and coughed (his latest form of communication) and tickled and rolled some more. We worked on crawling until his little arms said ‘no more’ and he laid exhausted on my belly. And then I got this two-tooth smile during bath time...I think I’ll count it as my “thank you” for the day.

So perhaps tomorrow I’ll find that tiny, perfect Mom at church and tell her thank you. Because even though motherhood isn’t always easy, it’s always motherhood...and that, in and of itself is quite a gift.

Who I Am

My dad, though I’m sure he probably didn’t coin the phrase, has always said “You do what you do because you are who you are.” That has meant different things to me throughout the years...

As a teenager, it meant that if I chose to spend my time kissing boys behind the lockers then I was a loosy floosy. On the other hand, if I devoted all my time to my church youth group and consequent efforts (Bible club at school, VBS during the summer), then I was a devout Christian bordering on sainthood. It was very absolute in theory, and very relative in practice.

As a college student, that changed a bit as I began to dig further into the Gospel of Grace. I understood the cause and effect implications of the statement: if I choose not to do my homework, then I’m a poor student. If I excel in both academic and social settings, then I’m a good leader. Nevertheless, I had a difficult time reconciling the Works vs. Faith argument in this context, and during a phase of ‘pushing the envelope’, I didn’t at any point consider abandoning my identity altogether, specifically my identity as a Christian. 

The Scripture in Ephesians 2:8-9 sums it up: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift from God; not as a result of works so that no man can boast.”

In other words, I didn’t do anything to earn my salvation; I am not a Christian because I do Christian things.

Nevertheless, there seems to be an organic connection between faith and works. I can tell you about my faith repeatedly, but if I live in such a way that denies its effectiveness in my life, it’s a lame faith...limp, lifeless, and without power. On the other hand, I can live my life in such a loving, kind, gentle (insert other “fruits” of the Spirit here) way, that I never even have to profess my faith.

As Saint Francis of Assisi says, “Preach the Gospel at all times...if necessary, use words.”

C.S. Lewis, one of my favorite theologians, uses the analogy of a pair of scissors. He says to say that to emphasize faith over works or works over faith, is like saying that one blade on a pair of scissors is more important than the other.

Who I am and what I do...are the two mutually exclusive?

I’m asking this question a lot as I stumble through this new phase of my life. My roles have changed significantly in the last several years, and as the dust settles I find myself surprised at the girl I see in the mirror sometimes.

Marriage has a way of unearthing the ugliest parts of ourselves. I’m having to confront issues that I used to be able to hide from relatively easily. As my friend Betsy told me, “Marriage is allowing someone else to come alongside God to clean up your act.” Not exactly what I had in mind when I said “I do.” June Cleaver, I am not.

Add on top of that change, the addition of my precious little bundle of joy. Jude simultaneously introduced me to pure unconditional love and the inescapable smell of spit-up. I glory in some aspects of motherhood, but others aspects...let’s be honest...are exhausting. And though I’m enjoying the transformation, I’m not entirely sure how it looks on me yet.

The other day, I was driving down the road in my Sequoia (after having had to trade in my little VW bug for a family rig), windows down, music blaring, and then it hit me that I was jamming out to Baby Rock Lullaby Renditions of Bob Marley. Not quite the image I had in my head when I slipped on my sunglasses and turned the ignition for an afternoon away from my boys. 

Am I mom because I do motherly things? Am I a writer because I write? If either of these things are true, then in moments of selfishness or slothfulness I’m neither.

I think its important to recognize that in our humanity, we are nothing if not works in progress. Only when we decide to intentionally stop growing do we settle into a mediocre version of ourselves. I may look like a child playing dress up in dad’s suit and tie, but so long as I’m growing it will fit eventually.

I guess I’d like to think that God’s grace modifies Dad’s principle:

You are who you are, and who you become is a direct result of the lessons learned in the doing.

I like this version of the aforementioned Scripture, from the Message Bible:

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

31 Lessons I've Learned...on the Eve of My 31st Birthday

1. Color using up and down strokes, and if you go outside the lines, make it look like it was on purpose. 
2. Saying “I’m Sorry” is harder than saying “I’m right” but it means a lot more.
3. Trees, like grass and flowers and everything lively, need water and sunlight and someone who’s willing to get in there and prune.
4. People need pruning too.
5. Pictures are worth a thousand words...but don’t miss the memory in order to get the shot.
6. Chocolate milk tastes better than white milk, but if your kindergarten teacher makes you drink white milk, don’t throw up on her shoes.
7. In general, don’t throw up on anyone’s shoes.
8. A parent’s love supersedes that of any other...EVER.
9. Avoid raw meat, mean people, and traffic jams at all costs. Meat should be cooked; people should be kind; and the view on the way around is often worth the extra 30 minutes.
10. Time, like money, is spent. Unlike money, time can’t be earned again, so spend it wisely.
11. It’s ok to sleep with a blanket...even if you’re 31 and married.
12. Don’t cry in gym class. When all else fails, dress out, smile, and pretend like you meant to get hit in dodgeball.
13. Never...NEVER...try out for a talent show with a baton act. Even if you’re good at baton twirling.
14. If adding fruit to ice cream, it feels like a healthy choice.
15. Swing, slide, and get messy in the sandbox. Eventually, the swings dig into your hips, your bottom sticks on the slide, and you’re in the sandbox thinking about how dirty the shower will get.
16. High heels complete any outfit. Unless you’re a man.
17. Crisco sticks make the best chocolate chip cookies. Follow the recipe on the box, and the cookies will stay soft for days (if they last that long).
18. Everyone’s behavior makes sense if given enough information. 
19. Reading teaches without a lecture, inspires without effort, and seamlessly provides conversation topics with a large variety of people.
20. When you find someone you love, brave the deep waters, and love them with abandon. 
21. Always be working towards something.
22. Use your manners. Please and thank you are never overrated. 
23. Do everything with excellence. Even if unnoticed by others, you’ll sleep better at night knowing you gave it everything you’ve got.
24. For every negative thing you want to say, think of a positive instead. 
25. Look for God in everyday experiences. The Creator of the Universe has written your story with the ink of eternity...not one detail shows up accidently.
26. Sing in the shower, and tell yourself that no one can hear how bad it is over the sound of the water.
27. When looking at a patch of green grass in the middle of a bunch of dirt, stop what you’re doing, take your shoes and socks off, step over and wiggle your toes. 
28. Likewise when you meet a kindred spirit amongst otherwise difficult people, stop what you’re doing, and ask them about their story.
29. Don’t make anyone else responsible for making you happy.
30. A good marriage is not give and take, it’s give and give. 
31. “Charm can mislead, and beauty fades...The woman to be admired is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.” Proverbs 31:30 (The Message)