Merry and Bright

Last year at this time, I was expanding by the moment, sleeping with 4 pillows, and could barely walk to the end of the driveway without being winded to the point of exhaustion. I was 9 months pregnant and scheduled to bring a baby into this world by the end of the year.

I Prayed for This Child

Last Sunday, on the tenth anniversary of 9/11, we dedicated our son, Jude, to the Lord. I thought it was an appropriate day for such a dedication, in that we acknowledge the evil, turmoil, and disaster that exist in the world; recognize its capacity to take us when we least expect it; and nevertheless, commit our lives and the lives of our children to the purposes of God and to His Kingdom. 

Reviving the Handwritten Letter

Today is my Mimi’s 76th birthday. I was trying to think of the perfect gift for the perfect person, which in case you haven’t tried, is quite a difficult task. I should tell you a little about her.

Morsels of Mimi

1. I sat in the swing and thought about you for awhile. Now I am out back sitting by the pool still thinking about you. I have decided...we’re going to pray harder for you. I want you to have the life you deserve.
2. My Dear Jody- Gotta get up, go inside and find another pen. Be right back. Don’t go away. I’m back. That just took about 15 seconds. Oh man, got another bad one, I think. Once you find a good pen, you gotta hang onto it. 
3. It’s a frosty morning looking down over the Farmhouse hill. More snow moving in Friday. 
4. Dear Jody. As always, we enjoyed your weekend at the Farmhouse. I am sure you have noticed; I find myself looking at you, just to be sure you are here. 
5. I hope you got my message on white shoes last night when I called. I DO NOT wear white shoes after Labor Day. So I called to tell you that I was wearing them until Midnight. (By the way, in my opinion rubber flip flops are out after Labor Day too, but fabric ones are ok.)
6. “Direct me in the path of Your commands, for there I find delight.” Psalm 119:35
7. Today is the day we clean up all the pans we didn’t feel like doing last night, put the leftovers in the fridge, so we can throw them away on Friday, wash the clothes we must have, mail my grandaughter’s mail, get a $5 pizza, and go to the ballgame.
8. By the time you get this, we will probably have a decision on Pa’s shoulder. It is very painful. I’m going to have to put an ad in the paper for kitchen help while he is “down”. He helps me so much; marry a man like him.
9. (An excerpt from Pa at the bottom of one of her letters) “Believe it or not, Mars has a full lap on the moon. It may pass it tonight. Hon, keep looking up. Things are going to be better for you.-Your Pa”
10. You know, my mom was a big fan of wrestlers “back then”. Maybe its in your genes from her.
11. I have eaten deviled ham since 1949. This is one of my memories of how my mom presented it to me. When leaf lettuce was in season, she would carefully lay out freshly washed lettuce on a plate, with a fresh loaf of bread, a jar of Miracle Whip, and the deviled ham would be turned upside down of the can and put beside the lettuce. Presentation is important.
12. You matter. (written on a torn piece of a grocery store paper bag, with a $5 bill clipped to it.)
13. I feel like people fail to include you on the simple things that go on. For instance, we are getting an asphalt street at our new Westwood Estates. That to Jr. is a thrill. It will sell a lot better.
14. I haven’t yet wiped the smile from my face because I talked to you today. 
15. It’s a gorgeous day here. The trees (purple & yellow) are so pretty. Also the white Bradford pear tree. Pa brought in some branches of crabapple to put in a vase. 
16. The visiting minister did a good job at church today. Of course everyone prefers your dad to anyone that comes in.
17. When I talked to you today, I could imagine all of you out and about on a beautiful Sunday. You sound like all is well. I’ll finish this letter tomorrow before we go pick up our $5 pizza.
18. Your mom and Sally get more alike every day. Last night Syd was looking at the altar area at church where Sal was and she said, “I have to go in front of her to see if it’s Mom or Tammy.”
19. If I knew anything would happen today that would be interesting to write, I wouldn’t mail this, but I think I’ll go ahead and get it out with our IRS letters. I also have a 50th anniversary present to drop off at your Aunt Dot’s.
20. (written on a small envelope) Pa is out going 60mph on the Dixon mower that he thinks is a toy. We are all predicting a wreck on the front hill.
21. I’m sure you’re looking forward to seeing James Taylor with your mom. I was going to send him some home canned pickles, but we spent most of them on our Montauk trip.
22. Have a good safe long enjoyable Memorial Day weekend. Next year let’s try to plan it around when you are here to enjoy the family time taking flowers to the graves of your ancestors.
23. (On the back of one letter, she wrote “Everybody Loves Raymond, a new show.” Then she crossed out Raymond and wrote “Jody”)
24. It’s Monday evening at 7:30. I forgot it was $5 pizza day and made spaghetti. It’s ok though because Shea, Chip and all their kids ate and took Brady a doggy bag.
25. Jordan is staying with us while your mom and dad are in Hawaii. He called them at 7am to ask about his disc man...before I could remind him it was wee morning hours there. 
26. I guess I’m going to “climb on” the bus and go see Benny Hinn on Friday. Don’t you love phrases like Climbing in the car or climbing in the shower. I always get a mental picture.
27. I went to Wal-Mart and bought two 5 quart pails of ice cream. One strawberry ripple, the other chocolate ripple. That’ll take care of those kids. It was a decent brand, but a pint of Hagen Daz strawberry fell off on me, so I ate that one. If I’m going to eat ice cream it has to be pricey.
28. Brooke just got old enough to join Cass & Syd for gymnastics. This is her second week. She said she’s getting a LEO-tard.
29. Jordan got player of the game for a great football experience. He will have his picture in the paper. He said “I wish my whole family could have been there.” 
30. Stay in safety zones, ok?
31. I think cold air will come in for the weekend...along with this silly time change. Why do they do that?
32. (On several cards she let Brooke, who is now 10, “write” which consisted of scribbles and an translation from Mimi)
33. When you come home, take a good look at Jordan. He just doesn’t look like he feels good. So tired looking. I think maybe it’s his haircut. He’s so “pretty” but I don’t think the new hair looks good on him.
34. Your mom just breezed through. She looked pretty in khaki shorts, red top, and nice tan legs.
35. I’m going to motor to the village and mail this early because you’re coming home this week.
36. Stevie Wonder came on with our song last night, and I had to turn the Boze off.
37. (Sydney, now 13, 5 at the time, scribbled on an offering envelope from church, and Mimi included it in her weekend letter.) 
38.   Guess I’d better brush the dust off my legal pad, and get you a note. 
39. I got a hair cut today. My hair doesn’t look pretty like your’s, but I can see where I’m going now.
40. We went into church late last night. All I could see in our pew was a reindeer puppet doing its puppet thing, singing and clapping. Of course, it was Syd. I laughed so hard. Sally was in the choir loft trying to hold a laugh back. 
41. Your Pa loves you more than he writes.
42. Wish you were here and could come over to play.
43. I received a pack of free assorted address labels. The one I used today expresses my love for the old show “Northern Exposure.” I’m the old lady storekeeper on the show.
44. Thank you for my pretty mug that your mom says you sent me. She hasn’t brought it to me yet, but I’m sure I’ll love it. 
45. Be careful where you go and what you see.
46. Thinking about (an ex-boyfriend who I won’t name). I truly think if everyone would confess, they all have a (name) in their life. You will reach a point that it will only be a memory. It won’t always hurt.
47. “At Baghdad’s Door” is the headline I saw through the yellow plastic wrap of the daily paper. This is April 4, 2003. Maybe it will be over soon. If it’s not, I’m going to have all my “war” water, spam, and beanie weenies eaten up.
48. It’s the first Monday morning of November, and I don’t even have my turkey bought. 
49. (When I was getting ready to move home). Jody, remember, you aren’t banned from Nashville. You can always go back. I truly believe it’s God’s Will that you come to Salem right now. I never put pressure on my prayers to bring you back. Needless to say, I am thrilled to have you home. Be safe in your packing, and sweet in your goodbyes, so you’ll always have a bridge.
50. A little trivia, when I was a little girl, if you had a son or loved one in the military, you displayed stars of how many of your family were in the service in your windows.
51. It’s 4:44am and I’m having my morning coffee...two mugs. I also have a stashed long john (eclair) that I will warm by the fireplace before eating. No one will ever know.
52. I wish you could have been here yesterday to meet cousins at Betty’s funeral. They were the tallest people. My mom would say “Moon Fixers.”
53. Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that you’re dating a boy that people call “Storm”? (When I was dating a Wrestler, that indeed was named Storm)
54. (She sometimes sent me blank cards so I could re-use them)
55. Your mom has been knee deep in flowers the last few days. She and Pa are so much alike when it comes to yard work.
56. Just know that when everything goes bad, it will all “come out in the wash”. That’s one of my mom’s best lines.
57. I was looking at something interesting on TV. The new stain resistant fabric? I mean, the stuff just rolls off your shirt! Do you think they’re fibbing?
58. I went to pick Sydney up from ‘gynastics’ as she calls it. This is how our conversation went on the way home. “That was keith, who is Natalie’s grandpa. I don’t know his last name. That girl is named Sam, and I don’t know if they are going to get a baby or not. You can’t buy babies at the store. Arthur (from tv) bought a baby at the store but real people can’t. I’m going to stay at your house a long time. 
59. Chip commented the other day “Jody is getting to go places people like me will never see.” Get some traveling under your belt, kid.
60. Just couldn’t get a letter off the drawing board this week, so I decided to send a card.
61. It’s voting day today, and it’s rainy. I don’t really want to go in to vote, but I guess I will. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do.
62. I have a new farmhouse key to send you, but post office regulations are so much like airports I’m scared they might keep your mail because of the metal. 
63. Are you still getting skinny? Don’t get lost. I’d much rather be fat...that way I can always be found.
64. Trying to climb out of the weekend debris again this morning. I’d like another day on the weekends, but I guess that’d just make the debris that much worse.
65. Went to a little birthday party last night where they had a coconut dip that was served with shortbread cookies. If I get the recipe I’ll send it to you. But I probably won’t.
66. It’s 11:11...Jodygirl where are you?
67. Has the Holiday Season got into your person yet? It seems to be approaching fast. I like to take a minute for Thanksgiving along the way.
68. (She cut out of a magazine) “Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third.”
69. Have you seen the moon lately? It’s worth looking at.
70. Remember on your fourth birthday when we played in the rain? I’d like to go jump in some puddles with you now.
71. Songs have a way of reminding us of all sorts of things, don’t they?
72. One of these days you’ll understand just how much parents care about their kids. I hope I’m here to see it for yourself.
73. Your mom breezed through this morning on her way to town. She does that on most days. She had just talked to you, and it made me happy to hear that you’re happy.
74. Your Dad asked everyone in his message last night, “Why do you really come to church?” Sydney was sitting on my lap, and she said, “Because I love Jesus and because my mom and dad won’t leave me at the house by myself.”
75. If you were here, I’d order you all the Personal Pan pizzas your little heart desires, and then you could sit around and watch Cosby all day long.
76. Take good care of yourself, you belong to me.

"Motherhood is not hard..."

A few months ago in church, a size two mother of four came up and commented on how peaceful my baby always looks.

I smiled broadly and accepted the compliment by saying, “that’s what I’m going for.” ...As if I really have much to do with that at all. I just happen to have a super sweet-natured baby.

She went on to tell me about our responsibility as parents to speak life and peace and joy into our kids, to get them ready “out of the gate”, she said. The whole time she was talking I was thinking about how tiny her ankles were.

She proceeded to say, “It drives me crazy when moms talk about how hard parenting is. Motherhood is not hard. God has given us everything we need, and we just have to receive His grace for the moments that are more challenging...” This after a night where my teething 5 month old had been up every two hours like clockwork. I smiled and nodded...and masked a yawn...and then watched as she and her brood walked off...a beautiful swan and her cygnets (yes, I googled to find out that baby swans are indeed cygnets).

Don’t get me wrong; I get where she was coming from. I, too, get irritated when whining parents don’t recognize the gift of life that has been wrapped in the most precious, softest skin and trusted to their love and affection. I bristle when parents complain that they no longer have lives, or refuse to leave the house because it’s just too tough with a baby. And I also see the value of sowing wholesome, positive, life-giving words into the lives of our kids. 

That said, I admittedly have been at my absolute wit’s end a time or two. There have been nights...particularly teething nights...where I couldn’t fix anything and just had to hold him while he cried, so he knew he wasn’t alone. Other times I’ve sat him down and walked into the other room, tempted to lock myself in and never come out. I’ve even commented to Caleb during the worst of fits that I could see how shaken baby syndrome could quickly become an accidental reality.

The truth is, as Jude begins his eighth month, I’ve only in the last little while felt as if I actually have an idea of what I’m doing. I spent the first several months of our time together searching for some kind of owner’s manual, convinced I must have lost it in the chaos and sleep deprivation of his first few days home. (My skinny Mommy-friend would argue that the Bible is the only owner’s manual I need.) 

Patty, our wonderful extended gammy that stays with him when I work, always tells me how wonderful our son is, and how he never ever cries. And while it makes me a very proud mama, I’m secretly wondering what I’m doing wrong during those few and far between tantrums he throws for me.

I think that’s all part of the process, though. Mama Swan, though perhaps a bit too syrupy for that particular Sunday morning, was right. God does give us the grace we need for the day-in-day-out moments. But just like marriage and big moves and career changes and other transitions, He also uses those moments to show us the cobweb places in the corners of our soul that could use some cleaning out.

For the most part, especially at this phase, parenting is a thankless job. Jude doesn’t look up at me and thank me every time I change his diaper. He certainly doesn’t recognize that even a trip to the store requires much more planning now that he’s in tow. My hips have expanded a full three inches and I constantly smell like spit up. I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and had squash splattered on my face from where he had coughed while I was feeding him...two hours earlier. 

That said, there are moments...shining, brilliant, sparkling moments...when it’s all worth it. When I’m nursing him at night and he reaches up to rub my face with his precious little hand, or when he rolls over to grab a toy and then looks to make sure I saw. When he is so tired that he can hardly keep his eyes open, but he smiles a ridiculous, delirious smile, convinced he’s not going to miss out on anything. 

Those moments far outweigh...or at least outshine...the difficult ones. The effort is, in large part, the reward. As soon as Jude masters crawling, we’ll work on walking. Once he walks, he’ll start to talk. Developmental milestones around every corner. 

Part of my development in this process is to allow myself the clumsy moments. To not get too hung up on growth charts. To not beat myself up because I sliced my son’s thumb when I was trying to cut his nails. To not secretly hope that everyone’s watching me push my son in the stroller thinking, ‘wow, that woman has it all together.‘ To be ok with the fact that sometimes I keep him in his pajamas all day long.

Tonight was one of those evenings where I really allowed myself to revel in the miniature person of Jude. We rolled around on the floor and laughed and coughed (his latest form of communication) and tickled and rolled some more. We worked on crawling until his little arms said ‘no more’ and he laid exhausted on my belly. And then I got this two-tooth smile during bath time...I think I’ll count it as my “thank you” for the day.

So perhaps tomorrow I’ll find that tiny, perfect Mom at church and tell her thank you. Because even though motherhood isn’t always easy, it’s always motherhood...and that, in and of itself is quite a gift.

Who I Am

My dad, though I’m sure he probably didn’t coin the phrase, has always said “You do what you do because you are who you are.” That has meant different things to me throughout the years...

As a teenager, it meant that if I chose to spend my time kissing boys behind the lockers then I was a loosy floosy. On the other hand, if I devoted all my time to my church youth group and consequent efforts (Bible club at school, VBS during the summer), then I was a devout Christian bordering on sainthood. It was very absolute in theory, and very relative in practice.

As a college student, that changed a bit as I began to dig further into the Gospel of Grace. I understood the cause and effect implications of the statement: if I choose not to do my homework, then I’m a poor student. If I excel in both academic and social settings, then I’m a good leader. Nevertheless, I had a difficult time reconciling the Works vs. Faith argument in this context, and during a phase of ‘pushing the envelope’, I didn’t at any point consider abandoning my identity altogether, specifically my identity as a Christian. 

The Scripture in Ephesians 2:8-9 sums it up: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift from God; not as a result of works so that no man can boast.”

In other words, I didn’t do anything to earn my salvation; I am not a Christian because I do Christian things.

Nevertheless, there seems to be an organic connection between faith and works. I can tell you about my faith repeatedly, but if I live in such a way that denies its effectiveness in my life, it’s a lame faith...limp, lifeless, and without power. On the other hand, I can live my life in such a loving, kind, gentle (insert other “fruits” of the Spirit here) way, that I never even have to profess my faith.

As Saint Francis of Assisi says, “Preach the Gospel at all times...if necessary, use words.”

C.S. Lewis, one of my favorite theologians, uses the analogy of a pair of scissors. He says to say that to emphasize faith over works or works over faith, is like saying that one blade on a pair of scissors is more important than the other.

Who I am and what I do...are the two mutually exclusive?

I’m asking this question a lot as I stumble through this new phase of my life. My roles have changed significantly in the last several years, and as the dust settles I find myself surprised at the girl I see in the mirror sometimes.

Marriage has a way of unearthing the ugliest parts of ourselves. I’m having to confront issues that I used to be able to hide from relatively easily. As my friend Betsy told me, “Marriage is allowing someone else to come alongside God to clean up your act.” Not exactly what I had in mind when I said “I do.” June Cleaver, I am not.

Add on top of that change, the addition of my precious little bundle of joy. Jude simultaneously introduced me to pure unconditional love and the inescapable smell of spit-up. I glory in some aspects of motherhood, but others aspects...let’s be honest...are exhausting. And though I’m enjoying the transformation, I’m not entirely sure how it looks on me yet.

The other day, I was driving down the road in my Sequoia (after having had to trade in my little VW bug for a family rig), windows down, music blaring, and then it hit me that I was jamming out to Baby Rock Lullaby Renditions of Bob Marley. Not quite the image I had in my head when I slipped on my sunglasses and turned the ignition for an afternoon away from my boys. 

Am I mom because I do motherly things? Am I a writer because I write? If either of these things are true, then in moments of selfishness or slothfulness I’m neither.

I think its important to recognize that in our humanity, we are nothing if not works in progress. Only when we decide to intentionally stop growing do we settle into a mediocre version of ourselves. I may look like a child playing dress up in dad’s suit and tie, but so long as I’m growing it will fit eventually.

I guess I’d like to think that God’s grace modifies Dad’s principle:

You are who you are, and who you become is a direct result of the lessons learned in the doing.

I like this version of the aforementioned Scripture, from the Message Bible:

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

31 Lessons I've Learned...on the Eve of My 31st Birthday

1. Color using up and down strokes, and if you go outside the lines, make it look like it was on purpose. 
2. Saying “I’m Sorry” is harder than saying “I’m right” but it means a lot more.
3. Trees, like grass and flowers and everything lively, need water and sunlight and someone who’s willing to get in there and prune.
4. People need pruning too.
5. Pictures are worth a thousand words...but don’t miss the memory in order to get the shot.
6. Chocolate milk tastes better than white milk, but if your kindergarten teacher makes you drink white milk, don’t throw up on her shoes.
7. In general, don’t throw up on anyone’s shoes.
8. A parent’s love supersedes that of any other...EVER.
9. Avoid raw meat, mean people, and traffic jams at all costs. Meat should be cooked; people should be kind; and the view on the way around is often worth the extra 30 minutes.
10. Time, like money, is spent. Unlike money, time can’t be earned again, so spend it wisely.
11. It’s ok to sleep with a blanket...even if you’re 31 and married.
12. Don’t cry in gym class. When all else fails, dress out, smile, and pretend like you meant to get hit in dodgeball.
13. Never...NEVER...try out for a talent show with a baton act. Even if you’re good at baton twirling.
14. If adding fruit to ice cream, it feels like a healthy choice.
15. Swing, slide, and get messy in the sandbox. Eventually, the swings dig into your hips, your bottom sticks on the slide, and you’re in the sandbox thinking about how dirty the shower will get.
16. High heels complete any outfit. Unless you’re a man.
17. Crisco sticks make the best chocolate chip cookies. Follow the recipe on the box, and the cookies will stay soft for days (if they last that long).
18. Everyone’s behavior makes sense if given enough information. 
19. Reading teaches without a lecture, inspires without effort, and seamlessly provides conversation topics with a large variety of people.
20. When you find someone you love, brave the deep waters, and love them with abandon. 
21. Always be working towards something.
22. Use your manners. Please and thank you are never overrated. 
23. Do everything with excellence. Even if unnoticed by others, you’ll sleep better at night knowing you gave it everything you’ve got.
24. For every negative thing you want to say, think of a positive instead. 
25. Look for God in everyday experiences. The Creator of the Universe has written your story with the ink of eternity...not one detail shows up accidently.
26. Sing in the shower, and tell yourself that no one can hear how bad it is over the sound of the water.
27. When looking at a patch of green grass in the middle of a bunch of dirt, stop what you’re doing, take your shoes and socks off, step over and wiggle your toes. 
28. Likewise when you meet a kindred spirit amongst otherwise difficult people, stop what you’re doing, and ask them about their story.
29. Don’t make anyone else responsible for making you happy.
30. A good marriage is not give and take, it’s give and give. 
31. “Charm can mislead, and beauty fades...The woman to be admired is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.” Proverbs 31:30 (The Message)